I never really know what I am doing because I haven’t totally figured out what I want. But what I want is to explore the world and actually, you know, get out once in a while. I need to pick a direction, define my purpose, pursue growth. It’s the only way to turn this ship around and re-establish myself as someone who has a plan. I guess I’m at the point of making the said plan.
Dating has been abysmal. Once she broke my heart, I couldn’t really let anyone else in. It was a rough situation and now I’m on the other side of it. Now I need to stop making excuses and spread my wings.
I hated, absolutely hated having to pack up my flat, but I was appreciative of the purge. It’s part of the process, you know. Having to clean everything up, decide what has value, and organize it with respect. It wasn’t even exclusive to material things- I had to purge her too. Bury with love and say goodbye.
I still think about her every day. I think about that slight curve of her lip and the way she still loved “Love Spell” because I still loved smelling it on her. I still keep my nails short and my hopes moderate that we would reconnect, but the radio silence has been met with the respect it needed. She wanted to be left alone, and I didn’t want to be the one to open both of our wounds by breaking the silence. She would have to be the first to speak.
We moved on. And while I could be bitter and list her flaws, but when she vacated she left behind nothing but moments of love. She took her chaos with her belongings the moment she crossed the threshold that sweltering Sunday and my heart will still yearn for what once was a really good thing.
While I won’t forget the pain…..I also won’t forget the love. The midnight tarot readings. Skype calls when she was on her solo traveling binges. How she would catch her breath when I grazed her neck with my fingertips. How she uplifted my spirits at the most difficult times. How our creative energies bounced off of each other in harmony.
It wasn’t easy to let go, but I did. Gently. Mindfully, and with every bit of the love I still had for her.